Monday, 26 January 2015

On Finding Myself


Hullo all,

I struggle to find the words to begin this blog, probably because I haven't written in so long. I don't mean that I haven't written a blog entry in a while (which, okay, I haven't) but also in general. The past few months have found me writing, at the most, To-Do Lists for work or little notes. 

But, I realize, I'm probably grasping for words because I don't really know what I want to say. That's something I realized about myself recently. I've felt a little bit lost, restless and not totally myself. I've experienced a lot of new things in these past six months that I feel have been a bit overwhelming (mostly positive, some negative, but nevertheless overwhelming). And along the way, I set aside some hobbies that I've told myself now I need to get back to. 

What I ask myself now though is, am I still passionate about the things I like? Loved? I still love the thought of books, of drawing and of writing--making video blogs and coming up with creative projects, but I just haven't done anything as of late and it makes me wonder--what now?

I feel really torn. I don't know what to pursue or what to prioritize. Sometimes I wish someone would just tell me what to do in my life, what goal to set and gun for first. Maybe that way I would get a lot more done. But no, all I have are scrambled thoughts that I sometimes don't even want to face because I'm afraid of becoming even more confused. Most days, all I want to do is to workout, go out and socialize, spend my time with other people and less with myself. 

But maybe that is exactly where I need to start: myself. I need to stop being scared of looking at myself and asking "Who are you, Mishie?"

I grimace at the thought of my Life Cliche. Finding myself? That is just about the lamest thing I've told myself I would do this year--and it's only January! 

There is just no more room for confusion, restlessness and uncertainty in my life now. If I want anything to really happen to me, I have to do something. I have to start putting my life back in order, and maybe once I've done that good things will fall into place. 

Did that sound vague? I will learn to use my words more again. I must.