Sunday, 17 August 2014

Drained and Exhausted

Hullo all,

I usually try my gosh-darn hardest not to talk about anything too personal on this blog--or on social media in general--regardless if it's happy or sad. And as much as possible, I would like to surround myself (and eventually, my memories) with happy thoughts--most especially since I am usually treading the line between optimist and pessimist.

In any case, the past few months for me have been more than just a little bit interesting. The thing I want to talk about the most, is what I need to be most vague about. I can't bring myself to say anything in detail (because I remember my reaction to reading my high school blog--yikes). 

I've experienced a lot of things I can say with full confidence that I haven't been able to in, literally, all my life. And, in more ways than one, I've come to feel and learn things about myself that I didn't think I would find out until way later. Everything from capabilities I didn't know I had, to patience I didn't know I could practice, to flaws I didn't know I had within me. It just goes to show that there is still more about yourself that you can find out, even if you claim to know yourself. 

I also have to admit that I've made mistakes--mistakes that I have accepted, but still make me very sad, even tearful at times. And no matter how many times I look back, analyze, point out what I could have done differently, what's done is done. Even if I have tried to remedy things, it's difficult. 

There are too many what if's and too many things that I want to happen at this point, and to be honest, it's all about to make my head explode. For the past few weeks, my general mood has made me want to cry, drink, dance, scream, run, punch and eat my heart out. And I have gone from sad to furious, but all I am now is just very confused. 

Not only is the situation confusing, but I have no clue how to conduct myself. One day I'm thinking "Yes, this is definitely what I should do. This is the situation and this is my plan of action." and the next, "No, maybe that will make things worse. I don't want to do that. Should I do that? I don't know what it all means." And I end up going through the cry, drink, dance, scream motions again. 

There are also things that I am now itching to do more than ever--the first and foremost is to have my own space. I do have a little of that here. But my current living situation won't last for long. I have made it known to my family that I want to be able to try going out on my own soon, and it surprised me that they haven't been as receptive as I thought they would be. This obviously disappoints me. There are a lot of contradictions regarding their reaction that I don't quite get and I don't know how to deal with. The thing that they probably have not known (because I did't really mention it to anyone) is that even before coming to the U.S., I've had this idea of living on my own. It is not at all because I don't want to be with them. I love my family and I appreciate all that they've done for me, but it is a phase I always knew I would go through. I know for sure that it is something I need for myself, and an experience I would learn so much from. Whether that experience will be good or bad remains to be seen. But I have already planted those seeds of thought in my parents' minds, so I do plan on following through with it. I don't want it to come as a surprise, but I also don't want it to create any tension amongst us. I have been saving and doing my research, but just this one thought alone has given me major anxiety. 

Another thing that has been worrying me has been my lack of a social life. It's been difficult, I realized to have my friends so far from me. Social media has made it so easy for us to talk, but nothing beats having them physically around you, having a drink together, or just be in the same timezone. And with the past events of the last couple of weeks, I just wish it were easy for me to call on them and just get lost in each other's company. Now I can't help but feel like a nagging high schooler that can't decide on what to do. It makes me feel like a needy friend, but I don't want to pretend that I'm okay, when I'm not. 

I have been trying to concentrate and do things to keep my occupied. I have been drawing more and getting back into exercise. I've gotten started on reading again and watching more movies which I have been meaning to get back into. Yet, in the midst of it all, when my mind decides that it wants to preoccupy itself with something, it will find a way to multitask. In short, I haven't been very successful. I'm trying so hard though, which is probably why I feel so drained all the time. 

Drained and exhausted. That is what I feel all the time now. There are so many questions I'd like answers to, but so little energy to handle what I might hear--I don't know if I'd be able to take the answers even if I were granted them. 

There is a light at the end of the tunnel, there always is but I have to be patient. Ah, patience. I should get a dog and name it that. I could use Patience for company, badly.

I needed this writing release. I hope I can overcome all these challenges.